Feeling Close

It’s been the longest time. 

The longest time. Since I’ve felt close to God. And close to His heart. 

The thing about being married to the perfect person (Christ). Means whenever there is a problem with the relationship… it’s always (and rightly) my fault. 

God cannot have faults. He is perfect and I believe that. 

But I am not. 

And over the past year I have seen that … and I don’t even want to call it ‘imperfections’ (that sounds too mild). 

Over the past year I have seen my wickedness out in the open displayed before my eyes. Shocking me. 

Startling me. 

Alluring me. 

Disappointing me. 

Ruining me. 

There’s something about doing something you never thought you could do. 

Being something you never thought you could be ; that honestly turns your world upside down. And makes you question who you are, your whole life, everything you’ve ever experienced. 

For the fact that I don’t really know who is reading this, I’m not going to go into detail. However, I will say : that I have failed. I have had the most defeated awful year where I have compromised. Sinned consistently. Not listened to counsel . Let my emotions get the best of me. Had secrets. And indulged the darkest parts of me. 

It’s been a really hard time. Internally I’ve had some hard moments where I’ve felt disconnected from God, from others. And I’ve just had to past the time with distractions. Sappy TV shows. Mindless music. Busy work schedules just to try and pass the time. 

While deep inside knowing. Wanting. Crying out for a personal experience of redemption, wanting to get out of the mess I’ve made. But being unable to pull my self out of the ditch that I dug. 

From everything I’ve experienced. And as I am starting to see the light again. I can absolutely say this. 

I am me with God. 

The closer I am to God, the more happiness I experience. The more life is worth living. 

The more Hope I have. Contentment. Peace. Joy. 

I don’t knowwww how people live life without God. I’ve experienced the burdens of sin. And it’s not fun. Sure it has its moment. The thrill. The temporary excitement of eating the fruit. Doing the forbidden. But once it’s over. Comes the guilt. The depression. The void - more vast than before.  

Once you’ve tasted the presence, power, love and acceptance of God. Nothing can ever compare. Nothing. 

And that’s what I’m striving for again. 

My callused heart needs to be melted. My thirst for the Bible heightened and filled. 

The warmth of His approval is all that I want to live for. 

The sense of His forgiveness needs to be lived again and His embrace. His embrace. Is what I want to hold close to me in the moments of loneliness and isolation. 

God deserves to have all of me. And I am committed to Him. And despite all my failings, I choose to believe that He still loves me. Even though that love is completely undeserved. 

Unthinkable. 

My life is rooted in Him and like the prodigal I am using any ounce of strength I have left to run back into His arms. Hoping that even if fall, alongside the many bruises that I already have. He will heal and restore our love and the life we  had together. 

I am with God.